STEP ONE: "We admit we are powerless..."

For almost my entire life, I have been over weight. I can only remember being normal sized, or skinny up until the age of about five. From then on, I've always had some extra weight on my body. And usually, I never even really think about it. I mean, it crosses my mind from time to time when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or if I see the scale lying on the bathroom floor, but otherwise, I've always just learned to live with myself. My home life is very easy going, and weight is almost never discussed seriously, seeing as me, my mother, and my brother are all over weight. But some how, I still managed to find that fat-person guilt hidden inside of myself. Most of my friends from elementary school through high school have been significantly smaller in size than me, so I guess this combined with the media portrayal of what beautiful is is the reason behind my shame of being the size I am, and not doing anything to change it. But despite struggling to find a way to change and exercise daily, eat right, and stay motivated for more than just a week, I am realizing how unimportant it all is. Being healthy is a great thing and nobody should put its benefits to the side, but being quote-un-quote "skinny" is just another part of American superficiality. I mean, what is the definition of "skinny" anyways??...according to Webster, it means to "lack usual or desirable bulk, quantity, qualities, or significance." Why would I want to lack desirable qualities or significance? This word has clearly become misconstrued by the American population. It means exactly the opposite of what the majority of us want. But still, we use it to describe someone who is "in-shape" or "attractive" or "the right size". And just as this simple word has become warped in meaning by society, so has our own perception of just what "the right size" is. I consider someone who can wear snug clothes without exposing lumps and frumpiness to be in good shape. And this is because of how I have seen the world so far. To me, if you're not a thin woman or girl, you probably won't attract many guys, and if you do, they'll be bigger than you. My perception of image is so screwed up and sometimes I can't stand it because the main target is the person I want and need to love the most, myself. But now that I have gotten past denial, I can begin trying to reverse this train of thought. I'm still in need of losing weight, but I am accepting that that doesn't mean I need to become a size 2 in order to be attractive. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it though, for now, I'm just focused on changing the mindset before the body. Plus, I'm already attractive, and dude, I'm sexy.