Just Wait For It

I'd like to open this bright new post up with: I loooovvee hanging out with friends! It's the best thing in the world.

It has been awhile. Yeap. No worries though, I've been busy lugging through my senior year in high school and trying to cope with the fact that my reality will remain Georgia-tinted for at least another 5 years. I'm stuck in Georgia for college, hip hip hooray. I really wish that it wasn't true. The only thing getting me through is the option for study abroad I'll have sophomore year. It's in London! Well for this summer, my last one before I go off to live on my own, I've been exercising and not much else. I've decided to be healthy, despite what modern America wants. Which, so far, has been the opposite. I'm a vegetarian now too. Yeap. Since April 11th. It isn't as bad as you might think. As far as other things go, I went on a week long trip to Edisto Island with Chelsea Weyler the day after graduation. Best week of 2011, easy. I got into Columbus State University too. And will be attending in the fall. I also managed to do a lot more insignificant things that aren't really worth repeating.
That's pretty much it for now.


p.s. this is all from my new laptop! I'm a pc.

I've Been Thinking.

You know, acting is really no fun. No fun at all. Infact, it is a massive burden. Every act of acting is like a contridiction. I do this thing on stage, or I do this thing in rehearsal, and it's perfect. But in no way is it ever what I wanted. I can never create what it is that I need at the moment.

There are sudden spasms of inspiration, like a lusty breeze, that intice me. Be an actor. Create your art, finally. Go! Be an actor, live through theatre, discover!

Then a pull. Back, no. Not ready. Not good enough. Not really. Go. Go, back. To where it is you came from. You know that is not the thing you need. Now, go! Be an academic. Be a scholar, build a career for...

Money.

That's it. Stop it. You can't be who you think you ought to because you might not get the money. You need. You see.

That's what acting can do. It isn't any fun. Accept for when it's absolutely everything you consider necessary to be living as a human being in this place. I feel like a scorned lover who chases after my beloved with blind desires, unsure at times, but always chasing. Chasing my beloved. I want a chance with you! You go to everyone else so easy it seems...so come, find your way to me! I want to examine you, dear, let me in.

I'm looking for a college where I can act and learn and be.

Nope! Nope! Nope!...and more NOPE

Finding myself in a dark room. Wishing that meant photography but of course you little cusser, it do not. Nope. And I wonder why I feel so melancholy sometimes. I miss you gehl, I miss youuu. Chelsea Wildflower. Your name is freaking Wildflower. Gawd, that's unique. I hate that people don't understand me. You know, that's all I really want most times. Just. See, you don't have to pretend to be understanding. If you look at me and be, it'll happen. I'm watching The Sweetest Thing with Cameron Diaz and Christina Applegate and some other chick who wasn't considered famous enough to make title actor...what is this movie about anyway? It's kind of depressing. Cameron, stop talking. Wow, what a jerk. You don't wanna read this. I'm stopping myself.

LOVE. is, important...?
I don't understand.
I hate myself right now...no, I'm not suicidal.

This movie is about love. It is making my jealous. :(
I'm leaving now...
later.

HAAAAA! OMGEEEEE SHE LEFT HIMMMM.
wait, no...
okay.
I officially hate this bye.
no mom you can't read it.

THANK YOU PLACES

Collision has inspired a change in my life. I have a fear of people but I know it is useless. And Collision has helped me to be okay with being afraid. Like Growtowski helped me with my fear of movement. I move all the time now. Fuck, I don't dance. I still hate dancing. I don't want to dance because I hate how my stomach and thighs jiggle. But I move. And Collision has pushed me towards the part of my life that wants to know people and understand things I don't usually want to understand. I want to be able to be okay with not knowing everything. I don't know much, and I realize that it really doesn't matter...so long as I can learn from other people. It's really disappointing how much of my teen years have been wasted sulking in self pitty. Shit, I've only got two more years to be a teenager. I better use it up. I want to soke up the world. I'm terrified of life, YES, but fuck that I don't care I'm still gunna jump of this damn building without a parachute. But all I wanna know is...


Will you come with me?

Theatre Rat

I'm loving loving loving acting through the summer. This just feels right. So I won't be dead when August comes around. I'm writing so much and sharing it with others and it feels good. Thank you for this opportunity.
I'm in love with my life. It's so beautifully human.

When in Doubt, be "Over There"

Every thing's jumbling around in my dippy head. I have thoughts of every thing. I want to do everything that I want to do but I just want to sleep more than that. I am waiting too much. That's my problem, I've become comfortable with waiting. And watching. And not doing anything about anything. I sit and watch things happen, wishing it was happening to me. But look at me. Where am I//what the hell am I doing? Shit. But sitting on my bum and whining like hell that nobody loves me and how badly I wanna go home. Shut up. I just wanna tell myself to shut up. Ha! If you want the damn boy to pay you attention then don't walk away in the middle of conversation. Yeah your fucking insecure who the FUCK isn't? I bet if you weren't always trying to predict people's actions, you'd be successful. Stop feeling guilty. You need to get out of your head.

I have to just go know and. Be

For the Benefit of Chelsea

HEY MAARIYAH, THIS IS CHElSEA I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. THIS TIME BABY
I'LL BE BURNING THROUGH