I've Been Thinking.

You know, acting is really no fun. No fun at all. Infact, it is a massive burden. Every act of acting is like a contridiction. I do this thing on stage, or I do this thing in rehearsal, and it's perfect. But in no way is it ever what I wanted. I can never create what it is that I need at the moment.

There are sudden spasms of inspiration, like a lusty breeze, that intice me. Be an actor. Create your art, finally. Go! Be an actor, live through theatre, discover!

Then a pull. Back, no. Not ready. Not good enough. Not really. Go. Go, back. To where it is you came from. You know that is not the thing you need. Now, go! Be an academic. Be a scholar, build a career for...

Money.

That's it. Stop it. You can't be who you think you ought to because you might not get the money. You need. You see.

That's what acting can do. It isn't any fun. Accept for when it's absolutely everything you consider necessary to be living as a human being in this place. I feel like a scorned lover who chases after my beloved with blind desires, unsure at times, but always chasing. Chasing my beloved. I want a chance with you! You go to everyone else so easy it seems...so come, find your way to me! I want to examine you, dear, let me in.

I'm looking for a college where I can act and learn and be.